


Steps

by knotted_rose



Category: Numb3rs
Genre: Angst, Drabble Collection, Hurt/Comfort, Incest, M/M, Sibling Incest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-03-12
Updated: 2011-03-12
Packaged: 2017-10-16 21:45:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 603
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/169666
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/knotted_rose/pseuds/knotted_rose
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's pretty accepted that there are stages to grieving. David Grossman, in his book On Killing postulates that there are stages when it comes to killing that everyone goes through. If a person doesn't successfully finish the last couple of steps, they may develop post-traumatic stress disorder. This piece is a series of drabbles based on the stages of killing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Steps

**Concern About Killing**

It's illegal. It's immoral. But the killing's part of his job.

There are simulations, role-playing and games, where Don is conditioned to kill. But he knows, from listening to his dad talk about the war and from active field agents that it isn't the same.

Don hates that Coop has killed and he hasn't. He goes through scenarios in his mind, knows that he'll react well. He flinches when Coop calls him a virgin, though after weeks of Billy and close encounters with bathroom walls and dirty back rooms, he's anything but. Still, he waits, jittery as a new bride.

 

 **The Actual Kill**

It was never supposed to be like this -- Billy on his knees, more pissed than scared, the perp's gun bruising his temple. Don stands alone, gun drawn, shouting and bluffing about more agents on the way.

The perp's hand starts to tremble. He says he'll put down the weapon. Don encourages him, uses the reasonable tone.

But there's a sudden noise outside. The perp swings his gun toward Don -- cocked, ready. Don reacts, as he's been conditioned to.

The shot echoes in Don's ears, sharp but distant.

And the perp falls over as if pushed by the wind.

 

 **Exhilaration**

Don fidgets, can't sit still -- feels like he's crawling out of his skin. It's different than when he and Coop finish a case; there's a quicksilver edge to it, like live wires under his skin.

When he's finally released he grabs Coop and won't take no for an answer. The fucking is brutal and raw and right -- the first time Coop kissing the wall, the second time on his hands and knees with Don riding and nothing can touch them.

It's only when Don takes Coop in his arms, kisses his bruised temple, that the jangling lets go.

 

 **Remorse**

Don denies that he feels remorse, or has any regrets. It isn't in his nature, he says. No looking back -- not when he quit baseball, or turned away from his family, or now, when he's leaving Coop and Recovery and heading to Albuquerque.

He doesn't think about what ifs and if onlys. He deals in facts, statistics, and doesn't remember when he first heard those terms, lisped by a brother with baby teeth missing.

And he does not think about falling bodies when the wind blows, or how he needs to be some place where the seasons don't change.

 

 **Rationalization**

Throughout his career, Don has no choice. It's the perp or Coop. Or it's his own life in danger. Don's been conditioned to act -- not trained, no, no forebrain engaged. Conditioned so he doesn't think when the time's right, so that he just reacts.

So when the call comes, he acts. Doesn't think to involve Kim in his decision. His family needs him. He puts in for a transfer that day.

It has nothing to do with the deeply-buried need that springs back to life when watered by the half-dozen words he exchanges with his brother. Not at all.

 

 **Acceptance**

It's illegal. It's immoral. But it's part of who they are -- the fucking an integral part of Don and Charlie, shared like their dark eyes.

It isn't always brutal and harsh, though it started out that way, slicing through each other's skin like broken glass. They don't do it often, just when there is nothing else, not in their lives, the case, themselves. When Charlie can only see numbers, when Don can only see bodies.

Blowing leaves don't bother Don so much anymore, and he kisses Charlie's temple gently as he slides into sleep, unspoken love on his lips.


End file.
